Lonely? Everybody Knows Everybody in Iowa, Until You’re the New Person

In my line of work, I meet so many event planners, businesses, and people. I am fairly extroverted; I mean you'd have to be to work in a public sphere where you talk to thousands of people each day. I get along with pretty much everyone. As the saying goes, treat others as you would like to be treated and generally there will be no issues. That all works fine and dandy, as I consider many of these interactions "surface level."

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Let's take a second to think about that. When is the last time you made a new friend? Like a legitimate, want to hang out, watch sports, grab a bite to eat, weekend golf/shopping trip friend. I'm guessing for many of you, like me, that answer is; "I don't know."

Credit: Unsplash / Jack Lucas Smith

The older I get, the stranger that realization becomes. Most of us spent our childhood, teenage years, and very early adulthood making friends without putting much thought into it. School, sports, college, and first jobs naturally put us around people with similar interests and schedules. We saw the same people every day, and friendships developed almost accidentally.

Credit: Wartburg Soccer | Me and the other senior soccer players at Wartburg, 2007.

As adults, that process changes: immensely, in my perspective. We still meet people all the time. We "know" our neighbors, coworkers, fellow parents at youth sporting events, and the people we see regularly around town. We might even have hundreds of contacts in our phones and thousands of "followers or friends" on social media. Yet many of us struggle to think of the last person who truly crossed the line from acquaintance to friend.

That is what fascinates me about living in Iowa. We have built an entire reputation around being friendly. "Iowa Nice" is one of those phrases that has almost become a brand. For the most part, I see it to be true at least on the surface. People wave from passing vehicles on the roads. Neighbors help neighbors after storms. Complete strangers can end up talking for fifteen minutes in the aisle at Fareway. It's true, there is a certain warmth to Iowa communities that is very real and enjoyable.

At the same time, being friendly and being friends are NOT the same thing. Someone can be kind, welcoming, and pleasant without becoming part of your inner circle. In fact, I think one of the most overlooked realities of adulthood is that many people are not looking for new friends. They are perfectly content with the relationships they already have. That may even be the case if we moved away from our strongest core friend group. Certain members of my past band I would still consider "brothers," however, outside of random snap chats or texts I haven't seen many of them in years.

Credit: Beyond the Silence | Me and the boys opening for Sevendust back in 2012.

Researchers have spent years studying friendship and social connection, and the findings are not particularly surprising. Adults tend to have less free time, fewer shared experiences, and fewer opportunities for repeated interactions than they did when they were younger. I'm a prime and typical example for these studies. Careers, marriages, children, household responsibilities, and countless other commitments compete for our attention. Friendship, while important, often gets pushed to the side simply because there are "only so many hours in a day."

That challenge can feel even more pronounced in Iowa, where many people have deep roots. There are countless communities where friendships stretch back to kindergarten, high school, church groups, or family connections. Those longstanding relationships are one of the best parts of living in a close-knit state. They create strong communities and support systems that last for decades. However, they can also make it difficult for newcomers, the recently divorced, remote workers, and elderly residents to feel, or stay, connected to someone.

I don't think it happens because people are intentionally excluding others. It's actually quite the opposite. Most Iowans are very welcoming. The issue is that many people already have established social circles. They may already have that fishing buddy, golf partner, coffee group, or lifelong friend. As a result, new relationships often stay parked in that comfortable acquaintance category. We probably all need to do a better, but it's not easy.

Credit: Unsplash / Helena Lopes

When you stop and think, it's a little sad. We live in an era where staying connected has never been easier, yet loneliness continues to be a growing concern. We know more people than ever before, but many of us feel far less connected than previous generations. We can send a message to someone instantly, see what they had for lunch, and follow every major life event. That tech is likely part of our relationship's downfall. We've lost that "human element," and it feels like we'll never truly know them in earnest again.

If you're like me, you probably have about a million acquaintances. Most are pleasant and bordering on "friend." I enjoy talking with them, seeing them around town, and catching up when our paths cross, a beer together might not even be out of the question. However, outside my wife (my love, partner, and best friend forever in everything), I don't think I've had a "best friend" since I was 14. To be honest, a lot of that is on me. The idea of a "real" friend is great, but honestly, I just don't have the time to sustain a relationship like that; especially when my immediate family, and everyday responsibilities and commitments, demand my attention. It's a simple fact: to start something new, is to neglect something current.

Credit: Ashley Ehlers | Tom Drake and his twins look out over the Badlands in South Dakota.

Maybe that is just part of growing older. Maybe adulthood naturally shifts our priorities and relationships. I mean it should, right? And maybe there are a lot of people across Iowa asking themselves the exact same question I started with: when was the last time I actually made a new friend?