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Pizza Is The DEVIL, According to KRNA’s Tom E. Gunn

I will start this article with a simple question: Why is there so much pizza?

Seriously… I like pizza as much as the next ninja turtle, but it is EVERYWHERE!! Is it because there is just so much cheese in the Mid-west, you have to keep making pizza lest the whole area drowns in a tsunami of curds? Even all the gas stations flaunt their pizza-pie as if it’s just as good as delivery, which in some cases… IT IS! But that’s not why pizza is the devil.

Making a conscious effort to get more healthy has been on my “to-do” list for a while, and I am doing much better since moving here. Sometimes, however, you just gotta grab a quick snack; which brings us to today.

There I was, at a local Stop&Get, putting the mustard and mayo on my preheated chicken sandwich (I know… just… move on), when suddenly, as if sent on a magical temptation parade from the dark lord himself, a cart filled with slices of piping-hot pepperoni pizza floated by. Now…I dare anyone who calls themselves a pizza lover to deny their wagging and drool coated tongues a wedge of fresh pepp steaming from the oven.

Here I am, holding a fully dressed chicken sandwich that I can’t just stick back in the oven because I have sullied it with various condiments, and I’m staring down this pizza as the lady cradles each bubbly cheese encrusted cardboard triangle lovingly from the cart onto the carousel. For what seems like forever, I glanced at the pizza…then the sandwich…then back at the pizza…

I finally reached down and did what I knew I was going to do when that Lucifer lunch-trolley rolled by. I picked up a slice of pepperoni, stacked it on top of the chicken sandwich box in my left hand, and cradled the entire package next to my bosom so I could then grab my tankard-o-cola.

I got to the checkout, and after I was rung through, the cashier gave me my total as…

Tom E. Gunn
Tom E. Gunn

$6.66

I said, “Whoa…666.”
The girl asked if I wanted to add anything else.
I replied, “Hell no! I’m gonna own up to this.”

I knew I was being tempted, and I knew succumbed. That is why I now know that pizza is the devil.

And even better…the devil is only $1 a slice on Wednesday!

SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!!!

Cheesy, cheesy hell.

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