Yo! Mayflyers! Be like the pig, you dig? Read up before you start spadin.'

Make sure you have proper hydration on those Hawkeye State veggies. Keep dem der smallish rodents out of the garden with a a little anti-wabbit fence.

Tell me something I don't know, Dr. Diggenheimer

OK. Plant a few 'shrooms and celery. Don't just rely on tomatoes. Tomatoes get too much attention in this modern realm we call life in '14. Way too much pub on those big reds! Plus, the acidity makes you reach for the Pepcid AC. Don't fund big pharma. Be Cedar Rapids' Variety Leader. Mix it up, brally. Maybe a watermelon? You like to spit seeds, right? Weren't you the Pottawattamie County Fair Champion Grand Spitmeister in 1997? Bring back the heyday. You still have skills. Impress your huckleberry hang again. Get back on that horse. Maybe start back in on the Copenhagen. Only 6 bucks a tin!

Point is, it's time to start spreading your gardening wings. Chris Cornell likes a little Sound in his Garden. Maybe this is the year to install some of those fake rock speakers around the edge of yours. You could make it retro and add a turntable to your illegally downloaded mp3 rack. Make sure you install a good cover before you spin the black circle in your earthly paradise.

Refreshment options. Do you have any? Sure you do, Player. Iced sun tea. Like your Mom used to make. Brew some of that heavy duty stuff. The kind that starts to taste like whiskey if you leave it out in the sun too long.

If clouds threaten, grab your Radio Pup app and let Digital Dan alert you of any impending storms. Scan the horizon. Wall cloud? Don't stay in your garden. Move the party inside. Stretch out on the recliner in your bunker and crack open a tube of Pringles with your sun tea. When the coast is clear, get back to the hoe.

If you don't have a dog, get one. For the love of the Lord, let him water your plants.

Rock on, crust carvers.

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