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How Does Jaymz Cook A Turkey?

Justin Sullivan, Getty Images
Justin Sullivan, Getty Images

For years, it’s just been me and Squeaks for Thanksgiving. This year, my parents are coming to join us and I’m kind of freaking out. They love to clean, which is great, but I feel responsible for the turkey cooking. George, this drunk guy at the Eagles Club, told me it’s easy. “You just have to remember to pull the s*%t out of the cavity.” Thanks, George.

I don’t even know what kind of turkey to buy! Male? Female? How do I know the difference? Can I use Stove Top stuffing IN the turkey, or do I have to just make it on the stove top? Are yams and sweet potatoes the same thing? Why don’t we just have ham for Thanksgiving?

OK, so if the turkey, stuffing, yams/sweet potatoes are done. What about the desserts? Pecan or Pumpkin pie? I know that some people do the fluff stuff now. But Butterfinger Fluff? Seriously? If you have any suggestions, let me know in the comments….I’m really stressing here.

Last question: Can I get this meal delivered? Can 535-FAST bring over Gyros and Tacos? Is it that bad to start a new tradition? The cat would LOVE pizza and tacos! But the parents…the parents.

Final question. Honestly. Why didn’t the parents just invite me there?

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